We’re just trying to survive

Loss makes you look at things in a different light. I thought of my parents like every one does, as parents. I didn’t see them as people. Now that they are gone, I have the ability to really see who they were. I wish I had seen them as they were before they died. I wish I could have seen them the way they saw each other. It might have given me some insight to myself. When I was 15 my mother asked me who I would live with if they divorced. I knew she was not happy, I heard them argue. I was invisible. However, she didn’t leave. It was just 3 more years of not being a family. Three years of trying to figure out what to do after I turned 18. I didn’t let my friends know. They thought my parents were cool. They didn’t know. Hell, I thought it was normal. I was so wrong.

It wasn’t until I was grown and had 3 kids that my mother had an affair. A chance to have happiness. I wasn’t surprised. I was angry with her for not ending it with my dad. I was angry for her betrayal. I didn’t see why you would hurt someone intentionally. I didn’t see her as a person , I was still seeing her as my mother. Regardless, of how my father made her feel or treated her, I didn’t understand. I couldn’t process the situation. I couldn’t agree or make it okay in my own head.

I have reached a point that I can see them as people who were making decisions trying to navigate life while trying to their best to raise kids and do right. I’m sure that decisions that they made were as difficult as some that I have made. I am sure that mine are not always perfect , right, or even proper. One thing is certain. I hope that I am not dead before my kids realize I am a person just trying to navigate water and some days, just trying to survive.

Everything is black

For two nights now I have had crazy dreams. They were very vivid and I remembered them clearly. There was one common factor or theme. Everything was black. Black panther, black stones, even black train tracks. Time was current and time was past.

I looked up what these things mean online. It was clear, black means strength. In my first dream I had my bunny, puppy, my sons grey cat and a black panther all playing together. No one was getting eaten or fighting. In my second dream, a truck load of black river rocks (smooth stones) were dropped off in my aunts old driveway. I asked if we should call my sister and see if she wants some. Currently we are not speaking because she is always right and stubborn and interferes. The stones were not being thrown which to me is a good sign. I was offering a thing of beauty to her.

If I were to interpret these I would say that I am strong and want to get along in order to have the past be as beautiful and relationship as smooth as it was. However, walking along train tracks means there is still a long way to go. Just maybe the kid that I was carrying around on my hip represents a burden that is not mine that I am carrying!

Until I see what comes of these dreams, I am going to take this interpretation as gospel and run with it. Seems reasonable to me.


Sometimes things just happen. It’s true. Call it fate, destiny, kismet, or anything else you like, our paths are determined by something much bigger than us. As I grow, I see things in new light. I can watch a person walk into a room and automatically they own it. What is that? Self help books describe using body language to work a room, but even in elementary school some kids just tend to stand out. They may be straight A or straight clown, but there is something to them, and people notice.

I often wonder what it is about me that people notice. I used to get a lot of comments about my smile, but not so much anymore. It’s obvious when people who know me, see me, and say smile it’s not that bad! And I’m not even in a bad mood, it’s just me in deep thought. The older me really misses the younger me. The younger me had no worries, no bills, no kids, no stress, no sadness, just smiles.

I spend a little time on Facebook, I dabble a bit… All day long I see the posts of people from high school and acquaintances I have met over the years sharing glimpses of their lives. Little snapshots of what represents their fears, loves, and interests. It never seems to amaze me how different people can be. Some want to show off and impress. While others just want to be connected. I just want to laugh again. The meme’s are funny and can be so insightful. It doesn’t take long to turn a  harmless joke into a source of very serious protest.

Someday’s I feel like the world just needs to smile more. I am not a religious person at all, but I believe in something much bigger than me. Last night I was outside with my kids and the sky created such a beautiful double rainbow and the backdrop was a purple and pink canvas. i know that it was magical because there were pictures all over Facebook today. Others saw what I saw and reveled in the beauty of the moment. It was truly something to behold. I am grateful that I was allowed to wake to another day and given another chance to catch a glimpse of how honest and raw nature can be!



Sometimes you need a little perspective. As a nurse we lose that over time. Call it burn out, compassion fatigue, or just lack of empathy, what ever you choose. It’s never a good thing. At some point we go to work and it’s just another day. Unfortunately, for so many of the people we encounter in our day, it is so much more.

I walked into work today with a set of goals. 1. clean off my desk. 2. Turn in my HR paperwork before I get a pink slip. 3. Help my co-worker get through his day. I started out great, had it together. By lunch-time I was getting it done! I decided since it was fried chicken Thursday, I would grab a bite and eat it in my office. I was searching for some you tube video’s on feedback for a presentation next week when I clicked onto Facebook. Big mistake!

I found a post from a high school acquaintance who hadn’t posted in a while. She went on to describe her recent hospital stay. Complete with what it was like to feel yourself almost die and be completely incapacitated. I was moved. I knew she had health issues, but until that moment didn’t realize the world was almost with out a very amazing person.

I went on with my day, but had her in my head. then around 2:30pm a code was called in my ICU. I ran upstairs making a mental inventory of my patients narrowing it down as to who could possibly be coding. It was not the patient that I expected. In 4 hours we did several codes on this person.

After the shift, I pulled out my Facebook and read her post to my staff. I followed with, we advocate for people like her. She credited the nurses for saving her life. This is why we do what we do. She got to go home see her child and remind her husband that when it is her time to go, get the damn purple glitter urn! Because thank god this was not her time!