Things that make you go hmmm.

It sure has been a while since I was here. Life has taken its share of roller coaster turns, ups and downs, and weakened my stomach. I last checked in when this pandemic started. I wish I could say that things are better. I wish I could say I found the cure for my heart broken soul, but I can’t. My soul is literally hanging on by the thinnest of threads and it is about to shear off and fall into an abyss.

If you want to talk just my family; there has been so much loss. If you want to talk my extended family there has been even more. Since 2020, I have lost my mother, father, mother -in -law, aunt , great aunt, second cousin, and two important friends. I can say that without a doubt, none of them were Covid related. My mother suffered an anoxic brain injury when her life support tube was dislodged during transport to the cath lab. My Aunt had the same surgeon and died as well. My dad had treatable skin cancer that he didn’t treat until it was too late. My great aunt , I actually couldn’t tell you. Maybe she had heart failure, maybe she had people making bad decisions. My cousin (her daughter), long life of heart problems and being poor. My mother-in-law, dementia and old age. Then, there was my friend, depression…

I didn’t lose my brother-in-law, he had a brain abscess that left him paralyzed and recouping 6 beds over from my mother. He was lucky, he made it out of the hospital. I sit here and wonder. How can I tell people this and not have them have some kind of pity, feel sorry for me in any way. I don’t ask that, I just need an outlet to share this sadness, this emptiness.

When I was 15, my grandfather died and my life changed drastically. My mother went into a depression, her marriage started to fall apart, my sister moved out, I was alone. Nothing was the same. I have tried to keep everything normal for my kids. Keep moving when all I want to do is lay in bed and cry. But, I remember what that was like for me when my mom fell apart. I have fought this every single day for the last 3 years and I am tired.

Oh the things I’ve seen (3)

Back to work at the walmart. Another day another dollar. After school I headed to work. Off to fix the worlds problems, or at least their watches. Maybe pierce an ear or two. After all they are usually done two at a time!

It was middle of the week when he showed up. just cruising through with his half cocked smile and beautiful features.  He approached the counter and began asking about jewelry. Mostly the necklaces and bracelets. He had this fascination with Herring-bone necklaces. He wore one with his shirt slightly unbuttoned. He wasn’t all Italian with the hair hanging out and dancing in the wind. In fact he didn’t look to have any chest hair at all. I attributed that to the blond hair . Everyone knows blonds have less body hair.

He chatted and distracted me from work until I was reminded as security passed by that I still had work to do. He went on his way , flashed a smile and made note that I would see him again.

In fact I did, for three weeks, see him again, and again, and again. I saw him so much that security asked me several times if I needed assistance. I assured them I was fine, he was harmless.

He approached me several more times over the next few weeks asking about going out. I put him off because I still had an uneasiness that I could not place. I had an uneasiness that would not go away, but I carried on with my day to day life. After all, I was in my senior year and still had grad-night, prom and graduation to get through.

Oh the things I’ve seen

Imagine being only 18 and working your first real job. Now imagine being an 18 year old girl working your first job and approached by a handsome much older man. Yes, that is how my story began.

I was just 2 months from graduating and had just turned 18. I was at the age where I considered myself grown just because another year had rolled by. It had absolutely nothing to do with my understanding of how this roller coaster called life works.

I didn’t know it then, but I was about to get on a ride that forgot to post the warning signs: caution do not ride if you know what is best for you! Instead, as the cart arrived I found myself not even waiting in line. I entered , and no one pulled the emergency brake, no one.

It was April and I was standing at the jewelry counter of my first real job. I was working to pay the insurance on my 1979 Ford Pinto. It was the first car that my parents could afford to by me. It was a whopping $300.00! It doesn’t sound like much, but to them it was more than they wanted to pay. Somehow my mother had managed to get the money out of my dad. I didn’t ask questions, I was just glad I finally ranked up there with my sister. Her first car was a 1979 ford fairmont for which they payed a grand. They said she needed reliable transportation. Funny, I don’t remember that in any of my pleadings for a car. Keep in mind, this is just a teenage kids perception of events. It wasn’t until 6 months later that I would experience life and the harsh realities it had in store.

I had worked for 2 weeks and during that time a nice looking guy had come buy three or four times to purchase jewelry. He had golden blond hair and deep blue eyes. His jaw  line was chiseled with perfection. He had wide thick shoulders and smelled incredible. I am sure that he was wearing Eternity.  He began to circle more frequently. I assumed he was just flirty, the security asked me at one point if I needed them to intervene. The red flag never went up. Not once.

He managed to get the nerve to ask me out. I said yes without hesitation. I did gulp a bit at the prospect of what my parents would think. I mean he was 31, which was much older than anyone my age should be dating.