Things that make you go hmmm.

It sure has been a while since I was here. Life has taken its share of roller coaster turns, ups and downs, and weakened my stomach. I last checked in when this pandemic started. I wish I could say that things are better. I wish I could say I found the cure for my heart broken soul, but I can’t. My soul is literally hanging on by the thinnest of threads and it is about to shear off and fall into an abyss.

If you want to talk just my family; there has been so much loss. If you want to talk my extended family there has been even more. Since 2020, I have lost my mother, father, mother -in -law, aunt , great aunt, second cousin, and two important friends. I can say that without a doubt, none of them were Covid related. My mother suffered an anoxic brain injury when her life support tube was dislodged during transport to the cath lab. My Aunt had the same surgeon and died as well. My dad had treatable skin cancer that he didn’t treat until it was too late. My great aunt , I actually couldn’t tell you. Maybe she had heart failure, maybe she had people making bad decisions. My cousin (her daughter), long life of heart problems and being poor. My mother-in-law, dementia and old age. Then, there was my friend, depression…

I didn’t lose my brother-in-law, he had a brain abscess that left him paralyzed and recouping 6 beds over from my mother. He was lucky, he made it out of the hospital. I sit here and wonder. How can I tell people this and not have them have some kind of pity, feel sorry for me in any way. I don’t ask that, I just need an outlet to share this sadness, this emptiness.

When I was 15, my grandfather died and my life changed drastically. My mother went into a depression, her marriage started to fall apart, my sister moved out, I was alone. Nothing was the same. I have tried to keep everything normal for my kids. Keep moving when all I want to do is lay in bed and cry. But, I remember what that was like for me when my mom fell apart. I have fought this every single day for the last 3 years and I am tired.