We’re just trying to survive

Loss makes you look at things in a different light. I thought of my parents like every one does, as parents. I didn’t see them as people. Now that they are gone, I have the ability to really see who they were. I wish I had seen them as they were before they died. I wish I could have seen them the way they saw each other. It might have given me some insight to myself. When I was 15 my mother asked me who I would live with if they divorced. I knew she was not happy, I heard them argue. I was invisible. However, she didn’t leave. It was just 3 more years of not being a family. Three years of trying to figure out what to do after I turned 18. I didn’t let my friends know. They thought my parents were cool. They didn’t know. Hell, I thought it was normal. I was so wrong.

It wasn’t until I was grown and had 3 kids that my mother had an affair. A chance to have happiness. I wasn’t surprised. I was angry with her for not ending it with my dad. I was angry for her betrayal. I didn’t see why you would hurt someone intentionally. I didn’t see her as a person , I was still seeing her as my mother. Regardless, of how my father made her feel or treated her, I didn’t understand. I couldn’t process the situation. I couldn’t agree or make it okay in my own head.

I have reached a point that I can see them as people who were making decisions trying to navigate life while trying to their best to raise kids and do right. I’m sure that decisions that they made were as difficult as some that I have made. I am sure that mine are not always perfect , right, or even proper. One thing is certain. I hope that I am not dead before my kids realize I am a person just trying to navigate water and some days, just trying to survive.

Things that make you go hmmm.

It sure has been a while since I was here. Life has taken its share of roller coaster turns, ups and downs, and weakened my stomach. I last checked in when this pandemic started. I wish I could say that things are better. I wish I could say I found the cure for my heart broken soul, but I can’t. My soul is literally hanging on by the thinnest of threads and it is about to shear off and fall into an abyss.

If you want to talk just my family; there has been so much loss. If you want to talk my extended family there has been even more. Since 2020, I have lost my mother, father, mother -in -law, aunt , great aunt, second cousin, and two important friends. I can say that without a doubt, none of them were Covid related. My mother suffered an anoxic brain injury when her life support tube was dislodged during transport to the cath lab. My Aunt had the same surgeon and died as well. My dad had treatable skin cancer that he didn’t treat until it was too late. My great aunt , I actually couldn’t tell you. Maybe she had heart failure, maybe she had people making bad decisions. My cousin (her daughter), long life of heart problems and being poor. My mother-in-law, dementia and old age. Then, there was my friend, depression…

I didn’t lose my brother-in-law, he had a brain abscess that left him paralyzed and recouping 6 beds over from my mother. He was lucky, he made it out of the hospital. I sit here and wonder. How can I tell people this and not have them have some kind of pity, feel sorry for me in any way. I don’t ask that, I just need an outlet to share this sadness, this emptiness.

When I was 15, my grandfather died and my life changed drastically. My mother went into a depression, her marriage started to fall apart, my sister moved out, I was alone. Nothing was the same. I have tried to keep everything normal for my kids. Keep moving when all I want to do is lay in bed and cry. But, I remember what that was like for me when my mom fell apart. I have fought this every single day for the last 3 years and I am tired.