Tag: death

We’re just trying to survive

Loss makes you look at things in a different light. I thought of my parents like every one does, as parents. I didn’t see them as people. Now that they are gone, I have the ability to really see who they were. I wish I had seen them as they were before they died. I wish I could have seen them the way they saw each other. It might have given me some insight to myself. When I was 15 my mother asked me who I would live with if they divorced. I knew she was not happy, I heard them argue. I was invisible. However, she didn’t leave. It was just 3 more years of not being a family. Three years of trying to figure out what to do after I turned 18. I didn’t let my friends know. They thought my parents were cool. They didn’t know. Hell, I thought it was normal. I was so wrong.

It wasn’t until I was grown and had 3 kids that my mother had an affair. A chance to have happiness. I wasn’t surprised. I was angry with her for not ending it with my dad. I was angry for her betrayal. I didn’t see why you would hurt someone intentionally. I didn’t see her as a person , I was still seeing her as my mother. Regardless, of how my father made her feel or treated her, I didn’t understand. I couldn’t process the situation. I couldn’t agree or make it okay in my own head.

I have reached a point that I can see them as people who were making decisions trying to navigate life while trying to their best to raise kids and do right. I’m sure that decisions that they made were as difficult as some that I have made. I am sure that mine are not always perfect , right, or even proper. One thing is certain. I hope that I am not dead before my kids realize I am a person just trying to navigate water and some days, just trying to survive.

Perspective

Sometimes you need a little perspective. As a nurse we lose that over time. Call it burn out, compassion fatigue, or just lack of empathy, what ever you choose. It’s never a good thing. At some point we go to work and it’s just another day. Unfortunately, for so many of the people we encounter in our day, it is so much more.

I walked into work today with a set of goals. 1. clean off my desk. 2. Turn in my HR paperwork before I get a pink slip. 3. Help my co-worker get through his day. I started out great, had it together. By lunch-time I was getting it done! I decided since it was fried chicken Thursday, I would grab a bite and eat it in my office. I was searching for some you tube video’s on feedback for a presentation next week when I clicked onto Facebook. Big mistake!

I found a post from a high school acquaintance who hadn’t posted in a while. She went on to describe her recent hospital stay. Complete with what it was like to feel yourself almost die and be completely incapacitated. I was moved. I knew she had health issues, but until that moment didn’t realize the world was almost with out a very amazing person.

I went on with my day, but had her in my head. then around 2:30pm a code was called in my ICU. I ran upstairs making a mental inventory of my patients narrowing it down as to who could possibly be coding. It was not the patient that I expected. In 4 hours we did several codes on this person.

After the shift, I pulled out my Facebook and read her post to my staff. I followed with, we advocate for people like her. She credited the nurses for saving her life. This is why we do what we do. She got to go home see her child and remind her husband that when it is her time to go, get the damn purple glitter urn! Because thank god this was not her time!